Therapists use the word attachment often, especially if they are an ‘attachment focused therapist’. Simply put, attachment is the bond between 2 people. This article is going to speak to the bond between a parent & child. When 2 people are partners, they each come into the relationship with their own ‘attachment style’ and generally it isn’t the same as their partner’s.
Delight in them: Outside of the ‘spoiling’ that attached grandparents may do, think about how they look at, talk to and interact with their grandchildren.For example, they are excited to be around them. They connect with them easily, and smile at them…a lot! They stop what they are doing to listen intently to them. They are truly present with them. It’s easy for them to laugh and cry together. Delighting in them is different than loving them. Loving them is how you feel towards them. Delighting in them is how you interact with them in order to meet their needs.
Be trustworthy: If you are only present for your children when it’s convenient for you, they will not be able to trust you. If you say you are going to pick them up from school and are often late or forget, they will not trust you and not feel safe with you. Yes, things come up that parents have little control over. Having a plan that your child knows about for when these times happen helps them to learn that you mean what you say. It makes them feel important and valued. They can trust in your words and your promises. They trust that when things do come up, you will still be taking care of them by having another trusted person take your place. And, in the infrequent times when you have let them down, always, always repair (see below)
Repair any relationship ruptures: All parents and children butt heads from time to time. The absence of conflict is not the goal. That would be impossible to achieve. So, instead of focusing on stopping the conflict that is bound to happen, focus on the repair. This means that you take responsibility for any of your negative interactions. Talk about it. Be genuine about your apology. This not only creates a sense of security in the relationship with your child. It also teaches them how to repair with you and others when they have caused a negative interaction.
I have heard from many clients that they grew up in an atmosphere where conflicts were ‘swept under the rug’. You are not protecting your child by not talking about conflict or situations that are unfolding in front of them. Children are very perceptive and will come to their own conclusions about conflict and difficult situations. This is huge. Repair is healing for your children and for you.
Keep them physically safe and provide opportunities to play & explore: Safety is of the utmost importance. When children are frequently around unsafe situations the obvious happens–they rarely feel safe. At the same time, they have a great need to play and explore. If you have a fear of them playing and exploring, then you need to work through those fears for yourself, so you don’t project them onto your child, because you will create fear within them. They will be affected by your fear and learn to not attempt to take risks. When you keep them safe while providing opportunities for them to play and explore, you will be teaching them to take ‘safe risks’. Safety in our world today is a very precarious thing. It is never guaranteed that your child will be safe in every situation. However, if you have taught them many ways to remain safe throughout their life, then they have a greater chance of remaining safe. And, they will not be fearful about taking risks.
Help them process through trauma: Children experience trauma more often than you might think. Hopefully, most of them are ‘little t traumas”–death of a pet, non-threatening injury, rejection by someone important in their life, a parent’s divorce, etc. While these may seem insignificant, they are not for a child. These ‘little t’ traumas are easy for a parent to overlook. This is the result of a common misconception that ‘little t’ traumas are not harmful because they are not life threatening. However, ignoring them can cause adverse coping reactions, such as a child bottling up all of their emotions, or developing addictions as they get a little older.
And, there is now evidence that continuous exposure to ‘little t’ traumas can be as damaging or more damaging to a child than ‘big T’ traumas. These traumas may not necessarily require therapy if a parent helps the child address them one by one as quickly after they happen. An excellent resource to help you understand ‘little T’ traumas and examples of how to guide a young child through this is Trauma From a Child’s Eyes by Peter Levine and Maggie Klein. And, another resource to help a child open up about their traumas, is a children’s book entitled A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes.
You have a chance to minimize the long term effects for your child if you address these events as quickly as possible. If that’s not possible, or if your child has already experienced multiple ‘little t’ traumas, it would likely be best to take them to a play therapist who specializes in trauma to help them work through these events.
Support individuation: It’s natural for a parent to want their child to be just like them, have the same interests as them, desire the same career as them, etc. While we may want this, it does not mean that you should coerce them into being ‘you’, shame them, or think less of them for ‘not becoming you’
Individuation is a natural psychological process. It is the process in which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from the identities of others so they can begin to consciously exist as a human in the world.
You can support this process by having them experience many interests so they will get a feeling of what they like and dislike. Let them play ‘teacher’ or ‘fireman’, etc. so they have a variety of possibilities. Let them choose their own clothes and their own choices. It may not look like you would prefer, but you are allowing them to build their own identity.
Seek help for your own trauma: Author, professor and psychiatrist, Dan Siegel stated that “The strongest predictor of a child’s wellbeing is a parent’s self-understanding.” That idea sometimes surprises parents. The truth is that if you are carrying around trauma from your childhood, be it consciously or unconsciously, you will at some time be triggered by it and it will affect your parenting abilities.
If you experienced great fear as a child, you will likely be very overprotective. If you had abusive parents growing up, you will likely resort to behaviors similar to your parents in tough situations.
As much as you want to break cycles and state that you would never treat your child as your parents treated you, it will be much harder to do in a moment of frustration if you haven’t taken time to work through your past. No one necessarily likes looking at their past, but when they do, they feel much more equipped to be a parent who is truly a cycle breaker! Reading Parenting from the Inside Out is one of Dan’s many books that can help you begin.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A FULL LIST OF THE DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS OF CHILDREN, SEND ME A MESSAGE THROUGH THE CONTACT FORM BELOW–I WILL E-MAIL IT TO YOU!
