Comparison isn’t an emotion, it’s an action–a very pervasive, yet subtle action of thought. Often, when I hear a hint of comparison, I remind my clients (and myself) of Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.
In Brene Brown’s newest book, Atlas of the Heart, she dedicates a section to the topic of comparison. She talks about three researchers whose research has shown them that “comparison of the self with others, either intentionally or unintentionally, is a pervasive social phenomenon”, meaning that everyone does it. And, it’s done to an extent that is much greater than we recognize. (Suls, Martin & Wheeler)
Comparison’s power
I see how comparison easily becomes automatic thought. These thoughts occupy far more space in our minds than we realize. Comparison can create what I call ‘mind chatter or clutter’. This mind clutter blocks us from an open state in which we can readily see multiple options, realize that we have a choice and that we can creatively approach a problem.
Comparison’s effect
Comparison is so pervasive that “when we are present with another person who is better or worse off, we have no choice but to make a social comparison” (Frank Fujita). So, even when we don’t want to compare, we don’t have a choice!
In addition, a big finding of the aforementioned researchers was that “our perceptions of these comparisons ultimately affect our self-concept, our level of aspiration, and our feelings of well-being”. However, we do have a choice about something much more powerful than this automatic thought. We can choose to not let comparison affect our mood and our self-perception.
Disempowering comparison
Brene Brown’s advice on how not to fall prey to comparison negatively shaping our lives is threefold. She suggests staying aware enough to recognize comparison when it’s happening so that we can choose to respond to it positively. To minimize the effects of comparison, we can cultivate admiration, reverence, and Freudenfreude.
Admiration of another’s gifts, or of beautiful art or nature keeps us from becoming hooked by comparison. Instead, it leads us to want to improve ourselves, not to be like someone else. Reverence goes deeper than admiration because it gives us a sense of connection to something that is greater than ourselves.
Comparison’s last stand
Freudenfreude is a German word that encompasses the emotion of enjoyment of another’s success. We experience this when someone recognizes the brightness of our light and celebrates this brightness with us. We can practice Freudenfreude when we intentionally share in the joy of another’s success by showing interest and asking follow-up questions. Additionally, we can intentionally speak words of gratitude to a person who has shared a personal success.
Comparison steals away our joy and the joy of others, and negatively affects our self-perceptions. What steps will you choose to take to stop comparison before it clutters your mind?
