EMDR FOR RELATIONAL TRAUMA

What will people think?

Each day a lot of precious ‘mind time’ is spent wondering what others think of you. It plagues you that you doubt yourself at every turn. You want to listen to your gut but rarely do so. The lump living in your throat stops you from genuine, honest, adult conversation and resolution. Inner discomfort results either in over-reacting or shutting down. You realize that you operate from the extremes most of the time.

You are either hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused. Both of these states feel uncomfortable. In these states, your true self (who you are at your core) remains hidden on some level. So, where’s the middle ground between hyper-aroused and hypo-aroused? In therapy, we refer to it as ‘being in the window of tolerance’. When you are in the window of tolerance, you are in a regulated state. You are calm and safe. In this state, you can think and feel at the same time!

I had a wonderful childhood–no trauma there!

There’s no denying that parts of your childhood were wonderful. However, along with the wonderful, you likely had some difficult times in childhood.  You may have experienced trauma (when something is done to you), or, you may have experienced some attachment wounds (when your physical and emotional developmental needs are not met).

Developmental needs that are not met are often called developmental or attachment trauma. These trauma wounds are often ignored because they are internal wounds. People carry them internally and no one else sees them, unlike physical trauma.  Developmental trauma generally remains unresolved because people can underestimate the importance of their childhood. Or, they might run from it due to fear. The truth is that your adult relational concerns often occur as a result of attachment trauma in childhood.

How did your family operate?

For example, let’s say your family’s default way of operating required you to behave all of the time. Misbehavior was never okay. As a child, you adapted by remaining small, quiet, and attempting perfection. When you did, you were rewarded with love and praise from your parent/s. This seemingly benign family pattern created a fearful and inconsistent attachment to your parent/s.

Attachment wounds are subtly traumatic. They form thoughts and beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. These thoughts and beliefs create a sense of insecurity in the child parts of your personality. These child parts left unhealed are carried into adulthood. One example might be that children who always had to ‘behave’, often have great difficulty speaking up in their most important adult relationships. For instance, those you love may interpret your silence as ‘not caring’ or ‘not wanting to get to know them at a deeper level’. So, what helped you gain love and praise as a child now fails to serve your adult parts. Instead, you have a crippling fear of speaking up and communicating the way you would like in your most intimate relationships.

Focusing on your inner state.

Despite your childhood trauma, the list of what you do well is extremely long. It may be parenting, being at the top of your career, or helping others. This is what others see on the outside and it looks great! But, it’s your internal emotions that matter. It’s your inner state that tells you when you need some extra help. We will work together to help your inner self become as strong as your outer self appears.

When your inner self is strong and empowered, you are in the window of tolerance. Being regulated helps you live a more peaceful and joyful life. And, people who have only seen and known your outer self will now have the privilege of getting to know your inner self! They will find, as do you, that your inner self is unique and special. Your inner self needs and deserves to be heard!

EMDR for relational trauma is a gentle approach

Using Internal Family Systems theory along with EMDR creates this approach. First, you will help me learn about your childhood and what is currently happening in your life. Together, we’ll learn ways of helping you stay in the ‘window of tolerance’. Here you will be able to think and feel at the same time, vs. being overwhelmed by all thoughts or all emotions.

To help you stay regulated while processing childhood events, we build resources. Resources help you feel safe as you process your memories. And even better, the resources can also help you when you become dysregulated in everyday life. You will also learn how to observe vs. judge the various parts of your personality that developed in childhood. Observation creates more awareness of how these child parts came to be and currently affect you.  A freeing feeling comes over you when you realize your anger is not who you are. It is only a part of yourself. The intensity with which you have felt anger previously begins to die down. 

Get to know your parts & become empowered

There is now no need for you to push away your angry part. This angry part has likely helped to protect you in the past. It may even be protecting you in the present! By befriending this part, it becomes less and less activated. It becomes more patient and can stay nearby (just in case it’s needed). In the process, your true self becomes more and more regulated.

Next, with the help of bilateral stimulation, you can process your thoughts, emotions, and memories that came to be a part of you as a result of relational trauma. Gradually you will be living, thinking, and feeling the empowered adult you are!