Andromeda is a bright, beautiful, healthy, and financially savvy young woman, who had found herself in several failed relationships. She couldn’t understand this pattern and wanted more than anything to change it.
The Critical Voice
We all have one—critical voice, that is. Andromeda’s critical voice was especially active and intense. Its’ messages were automatic and toxic. She frequently heard the voice say, “You’re not worthy” or “you don’t matter”. That voice was ingrained in her from childhood. Early on in therapy, she reported that she had never felt safe in her lifetime. As a child, she was never protected by the adults in her life. Instead, she feared them and never knew what to expect from them. Every time she ‘let go’ the tiniest bit to trust the adults in her life, she was threatened physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Necessary Internal Resources
She had many internal resources, which she built for herself even before we began therapy together: loving friends, animals, and older relatives who not only witnessed her childhood but now also desire health and healing for her. Andromeda immersed herself in self-care–more than any client I have worked with. She read what experts have written about similar life situations. She learned and practices breathwork to calm herself. She used affirmations. She meditated. She exercised. So, we worked to set up some internal emotional resources which would help heal her childhood trauma.
The Accommodator
Even though Andromeda recognized her destructive behaviors and responses, she continued to have them–they had become automatic. She was the ultimate ‘accommodator’. She always responded to others’ needs and demands. It was the only way she could be certain that she would gain their love and affection. As a result, she had to hold in her negative emotions to be seen in a positive light. But, her nervous system could no longer function as it was meant to do. When her nervous system was fried, she would verbally explode, spewing the negativity she had been carrying, on to others. Sometimes they were innocent bystanders. And, sometimes they were toxic participants. Yet, within the depths of her soul, Andromeda. could recognize that they did not deserve the same type of treatment she had received as a child. She longed to be able to respond in a calm, assertive manner and receive respect in response.
Andromeda found another part of herself
In addition to the critical voice, she. also recognized this extreme, reactive part of herself. The fury with which this part of her personality takes over her body both scares and surprises her. She uses a great amount of energy to fight against this part, thinking it is horrid. She wanted to eradicate it from her life. However, try as she might, she wasn’t able to rid herself of it. And, she will not be able to because it is a part of her whole self that developed in her childhood.
Seeing the Emotion Protector for what it is
Honestly, she saw that her ‘emotion protector’ (the accommodating part of her) was not serving her well and she truly despised it. Over time, she learned that this protector part needed recognition and acceptance. Through guided imagery, she visualized it as a ‘ball of fire’ and named it ‘Theo’. Instead of her usual repulsion, she sat with “Theo” and observed him, recognizing that his mission had been to protect her in childhood—unlike the adults in her life never had. Much to her surprise, “Theo” became much tamer and she could actually talk to him! She thanked him for trying to protect her child self, explaining to him that this was no longer necessary. Now she is an adult. She allowed him to remain in her life and when she began to feel she was on the verge of reacting negatively, Theo now arrived with a different role…dousing the flames with a firehose to put out the fires of fury.
Testing ensues
Now, when her resolve to accommodate others in order to gain love is tested, she instead ‘stands in her truth’. She imagines Theo coming to the rescue to put out that fire. In the midst of being tested by family members, the fireball of reaction starts to overwhelm her, and sometimes she still reacts in an aggressive manner. This leaves her feeling gummy and sticky inside. However, she is generally able to regulate her nervous system, get her thinking brain back online, and call the person to apologize for her response, while also standing in her ‘truth’. That’s when she feels the yucky, sticky gumminess leave her.
Safety is real.
Andromeda can be certain that she will likely be tested over and over again. But things are different in her world. Each time she is tested, the fireball inside of her becomes smaller and weaker. She has moved from the back seat of her life into the driver’s seat, and it feels amazing!!
