Avoidance seems like it would be the easy way out—stop your pain this moment! But, we often learn the hard way that it’s never the easy way out. It isn’t an effective or healthy coping mechanism.
But avoidance is everywhere! Most often, it results in regret, especially if we participate in it for very long: Like putting off having conversations that might be painful, or putting off having good conversations with loved ones, or putting off doing what tugs at our heartstrings and calls to us frequently. Do you recognize it? Sometimes, we don’t get a second chance to do what we avoid.
When we feel anxious and fearful, it seems like the perfect ‘easy’ escape to just ‘put it out of your mind’. We may even announce, ‘I’ll deal with this later’. These are common responses to fear and anxiety. However, here’s the truth: when fear and anxiety are met with avoidance there’s only one thing that can happen—they grow. And, the growth is silently exponential.
True, we might feel better for a time having put it ‘out of our mind’, but then we can’t sleep or worse, we have a ‘panic’ attack which ‘came out of the blue’. Another truth is that most of what seems to ‘come out of the blue’ has honestly grown to a size where it can no longer be contained. We have pushed it aside, shoved it under the rug, or ignored it for longer than it can be contained. It has grown to an unrecognizable size. It’s no longer a benign ‘worry thought’. It officially runs our lives.
While reading Brene Brown’s latest book, “Atlas of the Heart”, the section where she discussed anxiety was frighteningly familiar to me–personally and professionally. It hit me personally because, well I’m an ‘avoider’. Most of the people I work with are ‘avoiders’, too.
I can spot them a mile away because I relate to them. But, when I see them up close, I feel their dilemma–because I’m often in the boat with them. I hear them say things like “I don’t want to hurt their feelings”, or “I don’t want to rock the boat”, or “I don’t want to sound crazy by admitting what I really want or need”. What they are thinking is: “Instead, I’ll just shove it under the rug—and walla, I feel better” (for now).
So, what’s the antidote for avoidance? Get. ready. for. it:
VULNERABILITY
WTF!!! So, you mean in order to not feel the anxiety that avoidance creates, we need to be VULNERABLE??? Doesn’t that create anxiety?
Yes, The ‘idea’ of being vulnerable creates anxiety. Many people speak of it as a ‘curse’…I felt so vulnerable. Our culture thinks of and speaks of vulnerability as if it is to be avoided at all costs. But, when we take the risk to be vulnerable with those who have earned the right to hear our stories we very quickly learn and experience that:
“Vulnerability is not weakness” it’s our greatest measure of courage”
