Sherry is a friend from childhood who grew up with little to no childhood trauma. She lived in a small mid-western town in the 60’s. Her father was the breadwinner and her mother stayed at home with Sherry and her older brother. She played in the neighborhood without concern and could walk to her best friend’s house. It was an era in which people weren’t in a hurry and there was much less fear.
Generational Wounds
However, my friend Sherry did grow up with some very typical wounds. She had a father who expected a lot from both of his children. Sherry’s brother generally excelled in school and his activities, and Sherry often felt like he could do no wrong. Because of her father’s high expectations, Sherry felt he was more critical of her than of her brother. Now she wonders, Did that really happen? The short answer is she may never know, but that was her perception. And perception is reality.
Also, in this era, the interests and expectations of boys generally held a higher value than those of girls. Although Sherry had her own interests and activities and did well in school, her ‘girl’ activities didn’t seem to gain as much attention. As a result of experiencing this ‘norm’ through most of her childhood and teen development, she came to believe that she was not ‘good enough’.
Attachment Wounds
Attachment wounds are different from trauma, in that they are things that you needed but lacked in your development–something good you didn’t receive. Trauma is something bad that happened to you. However, attachment wounds become trauma. Attachment wounds are often generational in nature and they are behaviors that you need to be aware of so you can break this generational cycle.
Sherry recalls every day after school, at some point her mother would say, “Pick up, your Dad’s coming home”. Sherry’s play had to come to a halt so that her Dad wouldn’t be upset or disappointed by not having everything in place. This strengthened Sherry’s belief that “It’s our job to keep men happy in order to avoid conflict”, and “I must sacrifice my happiness to keep others’ happy.”
Our beliefs become a double-edged sword. In this case the positive side was what caused Sherry and her mother to become caring, compassionate people who respond to others’ needs. And, the other side of the sword was that compliance caused them to put their needs aside in service of others. As a result, they both became ‘people pleasers’ as we call it now. When people live with beliefs that are double-edged swords, their energy is often depleted. They can become angry and depressed and feel stuck.
Sherry’s Inner Child Remained Wounded
As a result of these early beliefs, Sherry often felt small, unseen, and unheard. She often found herself in situations where others stated their needs before she could even recognize her own. She admired them for getting their needs met. However, when she attempted to do the same, she never felt heard or seen.
When this happened, Little Sherry would shut down and had to swallow hard to prevent herself from crying. She felt as if she was about to burst open, but always held it together–at least long enough to get to a place where she could let it out–all without being seen or heard. This was her pattern for so many years. It had become a familiar, but never comfortable part of her. At those times, she felt especially small and began to see that her pattern of response was not that of an adult.
Tucking in Her Child
In EMDR therapy, she learned resources, which helped her to recognize the block in her throat and that it was a dead giveaway that her little child had some unmet needs. The best news is that adult Sherry is more than capable of meeting her child’s needs.
Sherry reminds herself of this by taking a few minutes to imagine her little self in a safe, relaxing place. Sherry validates her child telling her she knows how it feels to be unseen and unheard. She comforts her and assures her child self that she doesn’t need to worry about adult Sherry. Adult Sherry is capable of handling this situation because she is an adult and has developed helpful skills which little Sherry has not yet learned.
Adult Sherry reminds her little self that her only job as a child is to be carefree and play. She encourages little Sherry to play in her safe place, reminding her that there is an invisible string of love that ties them together. She wants her little self to know that adult Sherry is always available to her and will always see and hear her. Amazingly, after doing this both ‘Sherrys’ felt safe, calm, and free! Now, whenever Adult Sherry begins to feel small and unheard, she knows her little self is tugging on that cord of love. She sits with her little self and ‘tucks her in.’
EMDR helps the Body to Heal Along with the Mind
Sherry now realizes that in her previous talk therapy she made sense of and accepted what happened and why it happened. She realized it was not abuse or even a lack of love. Her father likely suffered from untreated depression which often shows up in men as anger. She knew this, but even as a now successful adult, Sherry still felt the lump. EMDR went a step further and helped heal both her mind and her body.
Now, when adult Sherry feels the familiar lump in her throat and the pressure of holding back tears, she recognizes it’s her inner child needing love, care, and attention. When she provides care for her inner child the emotions now stored in little Sherry’s body are released! She has and continues to meet her child’s unmet needs. This truly heals her attachment wounds. Now adult Sherry’s mind and body are working together in greater harmony! And,when little Sherry tugs on the cord of love, Adult Sherry always stops to her to tuck her in.
